On my second cup of coffee at 1:54 pm. I don’t even know what I am doing here any more. There are times I get lost in the music I listen to or Netflix, but truly, I am chasing – running away from the thoughts that leave me cold and empty. Mundane things like organizing, and reading are no longer tasks that bring me joy because my mind flows towards darker places.
It’s silly, I think, that I’ve held on. I should just put it out of my mind and move on. I am no longer motivated to do the things that need to be done and I want to resort to uglier ideas.
There is a plant on my desk that has no water. I can see the life being drained from it daily; it dies along with my heart. As much as I think to water it every day, I look at it and then look at myself and am just glad that I am getting out of bed. I can at least check one thing off of my list.
I look at my tassel from my cap and I don’t feel overwhelmed or proud. It brings no sense of accomplishment because the bigger part of me that was there, the part that I took for granted the entire time, is now gone.
I look out my window and wonder if I’ll ever get another chance to make things right. It hurts my heart to know that I hurt someone else – and that this is not the first time.
I’m drowning in my emotions, but my insides feel like they have been carved out.
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